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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26359006">what cannot be said will be wept</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lacerta26/pseuds/Lacerta26'>Lacerta26</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>If Not, Winter [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Downton Abbey</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Character Death, Childhood Memories, Dialogue Heavy, Found Family, M/M, Post-Canon, difficult conversations</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 05:47:58</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,358</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26359006</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lacerta26/pseuds/Lacerta26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It's 1945, the war is over, and George Crawley visits Thomas to ask him a favour.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Thomas Barrow/Richard Ellis</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>If Not, Winter [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1915414</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>147</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>If you like nice things and not being sad maybe don't read this.</p><p>There's a much happier part three on its way and a part after that which is just porn if you need something to look forward to!</p><p>Title from a Sappho fragment.</p><p>Thanks for reading :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span class="u"> York, 1945 </span>
</p><p> </p><p>George looks at the hastily scribbled address as he makes his way down the street a little way from the train station. York has changed since he was last here, before the war, but then George hasn’t been much in the county these last few years. Not since he went away to Eton, even. </p><p>There are scars everywhere, and in places open wounds, but now the war is over, he has a wife and a child on the way, he’s an <em> Earl </em>except the only thing he feels like is a soldier. And a soldier needs a directive; his is Downton.</p><p>Thomas had been vague when George telephoned, but he’d given the address, and extended an invitation for George to visit, <em> anytime. </em>It's a risk, dropping in unannounced, but he didn't quite have the courage to ask on the phone and it would be a wasted journey if he lost courage now.</p><p>George finds the house in a terraced street mercifully free of any damage. He raps smartly on the door and waits. </p><p>The man who answers is not Thomas. </p><p>‘Good afternoon, I do beg your pardon, I seem to have the wrong house, I was looking for a Mr Thomas Barrow.’</p><p>‘No, you’ve come to the right place, sir. Mr Barrow lives here,’ the man must be about Thomas’s age, tanned forearms in rolled up shirt sleeves and smiling broadly.  </p><p>‘Right,’ George had thought he’d never get used to being addressed as <em> milord </em> but now someone hasn't, it's jarring. In the little bubble at Downton it can be easy to forget how much the world has changed; the idyll of his grandfather’s day a quickly fading memory. </p><p>‘Might I trouble him for a moment?’</p><p>‘He’s not at home, if you like I can tell him you called, Mr…?’ </p><p>George has never had a conversation on someone’s doorstep in his life, no training in etiquette could quite cover it, but he had a purpose in coming here and he’s not going to be put off by feeling a little out of his depth. </p><p>‘Crawley. George Crawley. I’m afraid I’m only in York for the day so...’</p><p>The man beams at him, laughter in his voice, ‘<em>you’re </em>Master George, Thomas’s Master George?’ </p><p>‘Well, yes, I suppose, although it’s Lord Gratham now,’ he feels he makes the correction as unobtrusively as possible, it does no good to embarrass people and if he’s going to insist on it he might as well try to live up to the title. It makes no difference to the man’s demeanour, no squaring of shoulders, no averting of eyes. George finds it quite refreshing. </p><p>‘Thomas mentioned you might be dropping by only not quite so soon. He’ll be back from the hospital any moment if you’d like to come in and wait?’</p><p>‘Thank you.’</p><p>He’s led into a parlour, small but well looked after; there’s a gramophone in the corner and shelves full of books. On a small table a clock sits in parts.</p><p>‘Thomas likes to keep his eye in, tries not to let the family skill die out,’ says the man when he spots George looking, ‘can I get you a cup of tea?’ </p><p>George nods and takes a seat without being asked. He’s starting to relax, the man’s easy friendliness more like the lads he knew in the army than the tedious aristocrats he has to entertain these days and it seems wrong, somehow, to insist on deference from someone more than twice his age, someone who doesn’t know him and has no reason to believe he deserves his title in the first place. </p><p>He settles comfortably into the armchair anxious to be left alone in someone else's house but he’s not been waiting long when the front door slams open and Thomas’s voice from the hallway calls out, ‘Richard? Did you have time to…’ </p><p>George sits up straight, his great Grandmother's voice echoing in his head, <em>don't slouch!,</em> and looks towards the door. Thomas stands in the doorway to the parlour and Richard appears in the doorway to the kitchen and George sits between them as Thomas stands, mouth slightly open, seemingly at a loss as to where to look.</p><p>‘Hello. We have company,’ Richard gestures with a towel and there’s an entire conversation going on between them without words.</p><p>Thomas shakes his head, looking bewildered, ‘yes, Master Ge -, I mean -, I wasn’t expecting you today, milord?’ </p><p>George stands, ‘I had business in York, I thought I’d take a chance. How are you, Barrow?’ he extends his hand and Thomas shakes it, firm. It's a momentary shock that their hands, his smooth, Thomas’s beginning to show his age, are now the same size. Last time he saw Thomas, George was still a boy, a child. </p><p>‘I’m well, milord. And you?’ </p><p>‘I think, by now, you can call me George.’ </p><p>‘Well, then you must call me Thomas,’ he scrubs at the back of his neck, his hair is longer than George remembers it. </p><p>‘Very well,’ George turns, ‘and you’re Richard? We haven’t been properly introduced?’</p><p>‘Yes, sir. Richard Ellis, at your service,’ he gives an ironic little bow and George knows instinctively that this man used to work in service and couldn’t be happier to have given it up.</p><p>‘I’ll just get on with the tea,’ Richard gives Thomas another significant look as he heads back out. </p><p>‘Shall we sit?’ Thomas doesn't seem inclined to take the lead, still looking slightly stunned.</p><p>‘By all means, milord. I -. George.’</p><p>‘I was pleased to speak to you the other day,’ says George, getting a proper look at Thomas at last. He looks exactly the same; the same handsome face, his dark hair threaded with silver at the temples, his bearing not shifted an inch from years and years of waiting on other people.</p><p>‘I was glad to hear that you’d made it through, well, when so many didn’t,’ says Thomas, looking at a point somewhere over George’s shoulder. </p><p>George nods quickly, dismissively. Just like on the streets of York the war is not over in so many ways, not least in his own mind. He’ll carry the scars, one way or another, for some time, just as Thomas has, from the last one. </p><p>‘You’ll have heard about my grandfather?’</p><p>‘Yes, I was sorry to miss the funeral but I couldn’t get away. How is Lady Grantham, and your mother?’</p><p>‘Mama is as you’d expect, <em> getting on. </em>Granny, I think, feels it’s disloyal to me to still be grieving, but she is, and I don’t blame her. And of course the county hasn’t had an Earl as young as me for some time.’ </p><p>It’s the truth and as such it’s far too much to share with a servant, albeit a former one, a virtual stranger he hasn’t seen in almost a decade but it feels a relief to talk to someone who knows his family but doesn’t feel the need to be unnecessarily deferential. </p><p>Ellen is wonderful, but she’s still finding her feet, and their meeting and marriage was a whirlwind, not disapproved of per se but romances during wartime are regarded with a certain amount of suspicion. She’s always on her best behaviour, reticent to speak against her in-laws and George finds relief in knowing there are things Thomas understands about his family that George never will and intimacies that don’t need to be explained. </p><p>‘They’ll adjust. They aren’t just missing a father or a husband but a figurehead. A reminder of better times.’</p><p>‘Were they better, really?’</p><p>Thomas laughs but it’s cold, ‘not for me, no.’</p><p>It could be awkward but Richard chooses that moment to come in with the tea, setting it out between them.</p><p>‘I’ll leave you to it,’ he puts a hand to Thomas’s shoulder, which Thomas instinctively covers with his own, just for a moment, ‘if you need me, I’m in the garden.’</p><p>‘Where do I know him from?’</p><p>Thomas’s eyes widen and he looks up in surprise from where he was pouring the tea, ‘I’m surprised you remember. Richard was the King’s Valet in 1927, when the King and Queen visited Downton.’</p><p>‘That must be it.’</p><p>George doesn’t press but understanding dawns on him as if he has always known, there is no great surprise merely clarity of something he has understood implicitly for a long time. </p><p>‘How many are you, now, at Downton?’</p><p>‘There’s Granny, I can’t bear to send her to the Dower House just yet, and Mama. Henry of course, still just about running the dealership with Uncle Tom. Cousin Sybbie drops in but she’s always dashing about. She’s been up at Cambridge campaigning for women to be awarded degrees for their studies.’ </p><p>‘And so she should. If she’s anything like her mother she’ll be successful. You’re married, too?’</p><p>George can’t help himself from grinning, ‘yes, Lady Ellen Compton. Her father’s a Viscount.’ </p><p>‘When did you meet?’</p><p>‘1941, when I was on leave. She’s expecting, too.’</p><p>‘Congratulations,’ Thomas’s smile is warm and George is reminded of a childhood spent clinging to Mr Barrow’s back, indulged and doted on by a man who would likely never have children of his own. It was joyful to him then, the callous ignorance of a child, but he sees now there would have been sorrow there too.</p><p>‘It’s all been a bit of a whirlwind but a happy one. We’ve needed some happiness, these last few years.’</p><p>Something of a shadow crosses Thomas’s face before he asks, ‘and downstairs?’</p><p>George could kick himself, of course, Thomas would rather hear about the people he knew as friends and colleagues over the dramas of his old employers. </p><p>‘Mrs Bates is still the Housekeeper but I had no need of a valet so Mr Bates retired. Daisy, <em> Mrs Parker</em>, came back to run the kitchen and we’ve a few maids that come in from the village. Your replacement never made it home. We’re getting by but it’s not what it was.’</p><p>‘No, nothing is,’ Thomas looks down at his hands, he’s not wearing his glove, maybe he doesn’t wear it at all anymore, and the wound on his hand shines silver for a moment.</p><p>Here is George’s chance, this must be it, to ask what he came here to ask, ‘that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I had hoped you would consider coming back to Downton, as Butler.’ </p><p>Thomas looks up sharply, ‘master George. George. I don’t think…’</p><p>‘Please consider it. You’re more of an old hand at this than I am and I need all the help I can get. It’s not easy stepping into my grandfather’s shoes.’</p><p>‘You’ll do just fine.’</p><p>‘So you’ll think about it?’</p><p>‘I’m very flattered, I’m sure, but I’m not as young as I was, you wouldn’t get many working years out of me.’</p><p>‘Thomas, you forget I know exactly how old you are and I’m still here asking.’</p><p>George spreads his hands on his knees, in supplication and in hope. The task ahead of him is so huge he would get on his knees and beg if he had to. </p><p>‘Well, yes, it’s just, you see, I couldn’t leave Richard and...</p><p>‘I’m sure we could find room for him too,’ he won’t insult them, he’s not offering charity, but if finding a job for Richard is what it takes, he’ll manage it. </p><p>Thomas is still shaking his head. </p><p>‘The life we have here, it’s a life we couldn’t have in Downton.’</p><p>George looks towards the window, out onto the street, noisy now as children return home from school; his own childhood feels a million miles away, a lifetime already, at only 24 years old. If the war hadn’t happened he’d have gone to university like Sybbie and his adulthood would only just be beginning. Except he’d still be a new Earl in a changing world begging a man he hasn’t seen since he was a child to come help him shore up the old one. </p><p>‘Well, I won’t press you. It seems like your mind is made up.’ </p><p>‘I’m afraid it is,’ Thomas takes a sip of tea and the finality of it almost makes George wince. He wants to apologise for trying but he won’t insult Thomas; he asked an honest question and got an honest answer. </p><p>Richard reappears in the doorway, with impeccable timing, to ask, ‘would you like to stay for supper?’ </p><p>‘I’m afraid I can’t,’ George stands, shakes Richard’s hand first, then Thomas’s, ‘but we’ll keep in touch?’ </p><p>Thomas looks at him in surprise, it seems most of what George has come here to say has been unexpected, ‘if you like, George, yes.’</p><p>George holds onto his hand for a moment, steadying, and then turns to leave. </p><p>As they see him off, together on the threshold of their home, George stops on the doorstep. He knows he won’t persuade them, either of them, but he has to try, for Downton. </p><p>‘Are you sure? Truly?’ </p><p>‘Yes,’ Thomas looks away and George understands all over again why he’s been refused, why a man like Thomas wouldn’t, <em> couldn’t, </em>go back not even for the boy he looked out for all those years ago. It’s not out of a lack of loyalty but a question of survival.</p><p>‘Things <em> are </em> changing…’</p><p>Thomas shakes his head, ‘not fast enough for us, milord.’</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u"> Downton, 1973 </span>
</p><p> </p><p>‘Hello, Richard? George Crawley. I know it’s been a while but might I speak to Thomas?’ </p><p>‘Good Afternoon, George, how nice to hear from you,’ there’s something in Richard’s voice, or something lacking; there’s no warmth, the smile you can almost always hear is missing and it sinks to the pit of George’s stomach. </p><p>‘Richard? What’s happened?’</p><p>‘I’m afraid Thomas has passed away, sir,’ </p><p>George closes his eyes, the phone in the cradle of his hand pressed hard to his ear. He last spoke to Thomas not three months ago. At 52 losses like this should become easier to bear but it never gets any easier, everything and everyone of the old world coming to an end. </p><p>There are responses appropriate for the Earl of Grantham to impart, condolences stiff with repression and closed off from real feeling. He can’t manage any of that just now with tears stinging behind his eyelids so he goes with the truth.</p><p>‘I’m so sorry, Richard. You must know he loved you very much.’</p><p>‘Yes, thank you. It means a lot. To hear someone from the old days say it. ’</p><p>With a steadying breath George opens his eyes, ‘when did it happen?’</p><p>‘Only end of last week.’</p><p>‘My goodness, is there anything you need? Do you have someone who can help you?’ </p><p>‘Yes, we have friends here. <em> I </em> have friends here.’ </p><p>‘Would you...that is to say, it’s only an idea, but would you perhaps want to bury Thomas here, at Downton? I dare say I can get it all arranged.’ </p><p>‘I -, that is -,’ Richard pauses and George can sense a gathering of strength from the other end of the phone line, ‘he spoke of Downton very fondly.’</p><p>‘Well, of course, it’s where you both met.’</p><p>‘And he always said you’d get him back there, in the end.’</p><p>George doesn’t speak. What is there to say? Richard isn’t being cruel but it’s a harsh reality; he doesn't think Thomas resented maintaining a friendship all these years but it was a link to Downton, a part of his old life, a reminder of the good times and with them the bad. </p><p>‘I <em> will </em> think about it,’ Richard says, apology in his voice. </p><p>‘I’ll leave it with you. Just let me know as soon as is convenient,’ George says firmly and there it is, he’s the Earl again, a protection against the grief. </p><p>Richard clears his throat, ‘did you have some news? For Thomas? Could I help at all?’</p><p>‘Oh, well, yes, I just wanted to let him know, let you both know, that my grandson has been born, safe and sound.’ </p><p>‘What good news,’ Richard’s voice is tense, ‘Thomas would have been so pleased to hear there are children at Downton again.’ </p><p>‘I like to think so.’</p><p>‘And his name?’</p><p>George presses his head to the wall in front him, fights back the rising tide, grief and joy together, ‘Matthew. Matthew Robert Crawley.’ </p><p>He would have liked to share this final joy with Thomas, as he has in letters and phone calls and occasional meetings over the last thirty years but he finds it’s enough, in the end, to know Thomas was happy with Richard, that they were happy together, and in refusing to come back to Downton he was able to do more than survive, he was able to live. </p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span class="u"> York, 1945 </span>
</p><p>Thomas closes the front door firmly as George takes his leave and Richard is painfully aware that he’s hovering. They’ve spoken often enough about Thomas’s time at Downton Abbey, and for the most part the memories aren’t good ones, either for the way Thomas behaved himself or how he was treated in turn. George’s visit will be a reminder of Thomas’s past, a past that he’s worked to put behind him and pain that he’s always trying to forget. It’s been a long time since they last talked about their lives before they met with any seriousness and he's anxious, waiting for anger from Thomas, or distress, fury at George’s cheek, coming here and expecting Thomas to fall in line.</p><p>Richard doesn’t say anything as they head back into the parlour from the hallway, watching quietly as Thomas straightens books that don’t need straightening on the bookshelf. He’s surprised then when Thomas turns to him and says, ‘do you think I should have said yes?’ </p><p>‘What?’ </p><p>Richard is taken aback, frozen in the doorway as Thomas crosses his arms defensively like he's already waiting for an argument and says, ‘maybe I should have said yes?</p><p>‘Thomas, you don’t owe him anything,’ Richard says tentatively.</p><p>He doesn’t get angry usually, it’s not his way, but the idea that Thomas is even considering giving up on the life they’ve built together is a shock and one that makes Richard bitter just to think about it. Thomas never sugarcoats the reality of his past, has told Richard all his regrets, everything he regards as a wrongdoing but how he was treated by those around him was almost never kind and it makes Richard furious to think that even now that place has power over Thomas, over the life they have together. </p><p>Thomas runs a hand over his face and looks up at the ceiling, ‘George isn’t like the rest of them…’</p><p>‘The last time you saw him he was 14 years old. You don’t really know what he’s like,’ Richard is still standing by the door, looking at the tense line of Thomas’s back, turned to the bookshelf again. </p><p>‘And he’s not that much older now, still just a kid, a baby on the way.’ </p><p>‘You heard him, he has his wife, his mother, his family. He doesn’t need you.’</p><p>‘It wouldn’t have to be long. Just to get him on his feet.’ </p><p>Richard laughs then, utterly disbelieving, ‘he’s the <em> Earl of Grantham </em> I think he’ll be fine.’ </p><p>‘It’s not -. Don’t make fun, Richard. The Crawleys were good to me in a lot of ways.’ </p><p>Thomas’s shoulders sag, a sure sign that he isn’t really in this for the fight but battling internally with his contradicting emotions and Richard fiddles with the buttons on his cuffs, desperate to go to him and unsure how welcome he’d be. </p><p>‘I’m not, I'm sorry. I’m just trying to understand.’</p><p>Thomas sits heavily in the armchair, toying with bits of the clock he’d been dismantling, ‘I know.’</p><p>Richard steps a pace forward but otherwise leaves Thomas be. They’ve been together a long time and in these moments it's better to give him space until he’s worked out where his feelings are. </p><p>‘Why do you want to say yes? What are you trying to prove? That if you go back you can do it better this time?’</p><p>It’s harsh, perhaps, to be so direct, but Thomas will prevaricate endlessly if Richard doesn’t force it out of him. He'll hold it all in, where it can hurt him and won't let Richard see the pain until it's too big to contain. He steps towards Thomas again, slowly testing the waters, letting him know he's not alone. They’re getting too old for this, to be at odds with each other over something so simple, and Richard longs to see inside Thomas’s head, to understand why he’s even contemplating such a ridiculous idea, something that will upheave their entire lives. </p><p>‘I’m not trying to <em> prove </em>anything.’ </p><p>Sometimes when Thomas is being petulant and irritating, when he knows he’s wrong and doesn’t want to admit it, Richard can see so clearly the young man he never knew; Thomas at 20 years old, fighting every single day for a place in a world that didn’t want him. He doesn’t look at Richard, the line of his body tense, his hands fidgeting absently.</p><p>‘If you feel guilty…’</p><p>Thomas shakes his head, still not making eye contact, ‘I feel guilty about so many things. George isn’t one of them. The only thing I regretted about walking away from Downton was that I'd have leave him behind. He was still so young and I couldn’t explain it properly to him. I never had a chance.’</p><p>‘I think it speaks well of you that you want to help him but you know you can't, not like this, not without losing something much more important.’</p><p>Thomas looks up sharply, ‘you’re saying you wouldn’t come with me?</p><p>‘It’s not as simple as all that, Thomas. Think about what you’re asking of me, of us. You don’t want it anymore than I do.’</p><p>‘Why are you trying to make this a choice? Between Downton and you?’</p><p>‘Don’t you see? It is a choice. Where could I possibly find a place at Downton?’</p><p>‘George could find you a job. You could find yourself one, your references are good enough.’</p><p>‘You know that’s not what I mean. You said it yourself, we couldn’t live as we do if we went back to Downton and George might turn a blind eye but that doesn’t mean everyone will.’ </p><p>‘Things are changing.’</p><p>‘Not for us, not yet. Everything we have we made ourselves, if you go back to Downton you’ll never leave. You’re nearly 60 do you really want to spend the rest of your life back in service? We’ve left that behind and we have a home here. We couldn’t have that there.’ </p><p>‘I <em> know.’  </em></p><p>‘So, why? Tell me, Thomas, I want to understand. You always so badly wanted to get away, even before we met.’ </p><p>Thomas looks down at his hands and doesn’t speak for a moment and when he does it’s heartbreaking. </p><p>‘I don’t want to go back, not really. I told him so as soon as he asked.'</p><p>It seems as if he's summoning the strength to continue and Richard goes to him properly now, stands close and lets Thomas lean his head against Richard’s side until some of the tension leaves him. </p><p>'My whole life at Downton I was kept on out of pity, promoted by default or I was allowed to stay by the skin of my teeth, lied and cheated my way into it. Everytime I tried to leave, find something of my own it was worse and I thought if being miserable at Downton was all I could hope for maybe that was all I deserved.’</p><p>‘Love, you didn’t…’ </p><p>Thomas shakes his head, leaning back to look up at Richard, ‘that’s the truth of it, I behaved badly and I was treated badly in turn. I’m not saying I did deserve it, in the end, and I was lucky in so many ways but I wasn't <em> wanted, </em>not once, not really.’</p><p>Richard understands so clearly the desperation Thomas has to belong and it’s an awful realisation to know that somewhere, deep down, Richard hasn’t done enough to make him feel like they belong here, together. They’ve laughed about it before, about the men so dedicated to service they can’t see beyond it but Thomas has never been that sort of man. It’s not service he wants to go back to or even the familiarity of Downton but acceptance, something akin to loyalty from the family he gave most of his life to. Except that’s different to belonging and it’s Richard’s job to make him see it. </p><p>‘And now George has come to ask you back.’</p><p>‘Yes. You said he doesn't <em>need</em> me but he does want me. Don't you see? That's the difference after all these years. He’s asked me back because he <em>wants</em> me to be his Butler, not because it’s an easy solution or the only option, he doesn’t pity me…’</p><p>‘He looks up to you,’ Richard runs a hand gently through Thomas’s hair, a favoured move, almost unconscious, but it always seems to soothe. </p><p>‘I saw the way Lady Mary always used to look at Carson, how she trusted him, listened to him. I could be that for George...I can’t help but wonder if I could be that for him.’ </p><p>Richard suspects that’s not what the rest of George’s family would think, if they even know he came here today to ask Thomas to come back. </p><p>‘There’s nothing stopping you being his friend, offering advice if he wants it but there’s no need for you to go running just because a Crawley has snapped their fingers.’ </p><p>‘I do know that. The best thing I ever did was leave Downton. This life I have with you is all I’ve ever wanted,’ Thomas speaks quietly, a subtle break in his voice. </p><p>‘I feel the same, Thomas. Please believe me when I say you don’t need to be wanted there, I want you here.’</p><p>Thomas stands, steps forward into Richard’s embrace, relaxing at last, ‘I know, I’m sorry.’</p><p>Richard runs his hands up Thomas’s back, holds him tightly and whispers, ‘there’s never any need to be sorry but I'm happy to remind you of it whenever you need. Your place is here with me. It always will be.’ </p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u"> York, 1973 </span>
</p><p>The phone is ringing. Richard moves slowly to answer it. </p><p>It’s probably his imagination that it sounds louder now the house is less one person. Or that his aches seems worse now they’re weighed down with grief, too.</p><p>‘Hello?’</p><p>‘Hello, Richard? George Crawley. I know it’s been a while but might I speak to Thomas?’ </p><p>‘Good Afternoon, George, how nice to hear from you,’ Richard answers automatically but he can hear the sadness in his own voice, he knows George will be able to hear it too. </p><p>‘Richard? What’s happened?’ says George immediately and Richard prepares himself to carry George’s grief too, if only for a moment. </p><p>It still catches, when he tries to say the words, and he wonders, not for the first time if he’ll ever get used to it, ‘I’m afraid Thomas has passed away, sir.’ </p><p>There’s a pause at the other end of the line before George says, ‘I’m so sorry, Richard. You must know he loved you very much.’</p><p>Richard can hear the shock in George’s voice, the sincerity that can’t be feigned. He’d been dreading this conversation; he likes George but he was always Thomas’s friend more than he was Richard’s and he didn’t think he could listen to the hollow condolences that would be expected from a man of George’s position. Perhaps he shouldn’t be surprised that George is speaking with real feeling, Thomas alway said he was different to the rest of them and this is 1973, a world away from the life in service they got away from, nearly 40 years ago. </p><p>‘Yes, thank you. It means a lot. To hear someone from the old days say it.’</p><p>‘When did it happen?’</p><p>‘Only end of last week,’ Richard puts a hand to his eyes, his fingertips hard against his brow. </p><p>‘My goodness, is there anything you need? Do you have someone who can help you?’ </p><p>‘Yes, we have friends here. <em> I </em>have friends here,’ the only people, besides George, who truly know who Thomas was to him, who they were to each other, and once Richard himself is gone history will swallow them up as if it were nothing. </p><p>‘Would you...that is to say, it’s only an idea, but would you perhaps want to bury Thomas here, at Downton? I dare say I can get it all arranged.’ </p><p>‘I -, that is -,’ Richard pauses as he struggles to think of something that won’t offend, something that's almost the truth, ‘he spoke of Downton very fondly.’</p><p>‘Well, of course, it’s where you both met.’</p><p>He knows George means it kindly but it’s just another reminder of the unhappy life Thomas had there before they met; if the only good memory of a place is leaving it behind that’s not much to commend it. </p><p>‘And he always said you’d get him back there, in the end,’ forgiveness for his harsh words will be swift, but he still feels badly about it, so he goes on, apology in his voice, ‘I will think about it.’</p><p>‘I’ll leave it with you. Just let me know as soon as is convenient,’ says George firmly and there’s still such certainty there, conviction that his title will see him through when all else fails. </p><p>Richard clears his throat, keen to be done with this conversation, to lay the last of Thomas’s ghosts to rest, ‘did you have some news? For Thomas? Could I help at all?’</p><p>‘Oh, well, yes, I just wanted to let him know, let you both know, that my grandson has been born, safe and sound.’ </p><p>‘What good news,’ Richard manages and there are the tears again, rolling silently down his cheeks when he thinks of the joy Thomas would have felt at the news, ‘Thomas would have been so pleased to hear there are children at Downton again.’ </p><p>‘I like to think so.’</p><p>‘And his name?’</p><p>There’s a pause long enough that Richard thinks the line must have gone dead before George speaks again, ‘Matthew. Matthew Robert Crawley.’ </p><p>Names that mean nothing to Richard but he knows what they mean to George, what they would have meant to Thomas but he doesn't know how to convey that thought and neither of them speak until George says, ‘I’ll let you go. Do think about what I said.’</p><p>In the silence after he’s put the phone down he considers George’s offer; Richard doesn’t know how much time he has left but he does know that when he goes he wants his final resting place to be beside the man he has loved for nearly 50 years and if anyone can guarantee they’ll be buried side by side it’s George. It’s undeniable that Downton was significant to Thomas for better and for worse but in so many ways it feels like a betrayal, to send Thomas back to the place he had so wanted to leave, to a life that haunted him long after he left it behind.</p><p>As is so often the case for men like them, even now, there is only one choice. Richard reaches for the phone and Thomas’s address book, finds the number, written in Thomas’s neat hand and dials. </p><p>He definitely doesn’t expect George to be the one to answer, ‘George Crawley speaking.’ </p><p>‘Hello, George, it’s Richard. Richard Ellis. I’ve thought about what you said.’</p><p>‘That was quick.’</p><p>‘All those years ago, when you asked if Thomas would come back to Downton as Butler, you said you could find room for me too. Would you be able to find that space for me now, when my time comes, at Thomas's side?’</p><p>George doesn't even hesitate, doesn't offer assurances that Richard has plenty of life left to live, he understands that isn't what matters now with Thomas gone.</p><p>‘Of course, Richard. I promise. You belong together, I won’t let that be forgotten.’ </p><p>They will always belong together and Richard hopes, <em> knows, </em>that in the end Thomas believed it too.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Follow me on <a href="https://lacerta26.tumblr.com">tumblr!</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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